Xanthippa's Chamberpot

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting outside of a bar when two men walk into the house across the road…

Ten minutes later, three men walk out.

The physicist looks confused and says “There must an error in the measurements.”

The biologist retorts “No, they must have reproduced!”

To which the mathematician says “If one person goes inside, the house will be empty.”

An oldie, but a goodie:

An optimist will say that a glass is half full.

A pessimist will say that the glass is half empty.

An engineer will say that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

The physicist will point out to them that they are all wrong, because the glass is quite full:  half with liquid, half with air!

And why not pick on engineers a bit:

Three professionals, a mathematician, a physicist and an engineer, took their final test for the job. The sole question in the exam was “how much is one plus one”.

The math dude asked the receptionist for a ream of paper, two hours later, he said: I have proven its a natural number

The physicist, after checking parallax error and quantum tables said: its between 1.9999999999, and 2.0000000001

The engineer quickly said: oh! its easy! its two,…. no, better make it three, just to be safe.

And a bit more:

Two roommates work in a laboratory outside of Hamilton, Ontario. Steve, a regular fellow, and Gork, a literal caveman. He puts on a button-down shirt and tie every day in an attempt to fit in, but he just can’t stop being a knuckle-dragging caveman (albeit in a lab coat).

After several years of working there, some of Gork’s coworkers are talking during a coffee break. “Gork strikes me as really weird,” said one man, “He’s been here at the lab for like 6 years, and he never really developed any manners. I figured he would be civilized by now.”

Another coworker takes a sip of his coffee, thinks for a minute, and says, “Well, I suppose you really can’t expect him to evolve. He commutes with the Hamiltonian.”

And talking about commuting:

Heisenberg and Shrodinger are commuting to work together, when they get pulled over for speeding.  The police officer walks up to the driver’s window and accusingly says to Heisenberg:  “You were going 140 km/h!”

Heisenberg throws his hands up in disgust and exclaims:  “Great!  Now I’m lost!”

The cop finds this a suspicious answer, so he walks around to the other side, peering into the back seat along the way.  When he gets to Shrodinger’s window, he asks him:  “Did you know that there is a dead cat in the back seat?”

Schrodinger answers:  “Now I do!”

I can’t resist a few one-liners:

–  How many moles are there in guacamole?  Avocado’s number!

–  A bar walks up to a physicist.  Hey, wait – that’s the wrong frame of reference!

–  And then, a dyslexic walks into a bra…

– What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? A beer.

– There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.

– How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

There’s this calculus party, and all the functions are invited.

ln(x) is talking to some trig functions, when he sees his friend e^x sulking in a corner.

ln(x): “What’s wrong e^x?”

e^x: “I’m so lonely!”

ln(x): “Well, you should go integrate yourself into the crowd!”

e^x looks up and cries, “It won’t make a difference!”

A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer stay in a hotel.

The engineer is awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed.

Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees the fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as distance to the fire and projected trajectory, he extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid.

At last, the mathematician awakes, only again to find a fire in the hallway. He instantly sees the extinguisher and thinks, “A solution exists!”, and heads back into his room.

A variation on a theme:

A family practice doc, an internist, a surgeon, and a pathologist are out one day duck hunting. First up is the FP doc – he raises his gun to take aim at a flock of birds passing overhead and says to himself, “Looks like a duck, flies like a duck, quacks like a duck, it must be a duck.” BANG! He bags himself a duck.

The internist then steps up, raises his gun to take aim at a second flock of birds flying overhead. He says to himself, “Looks like a duck, flies like a duck, quacks like a duck, rule out quail, rule out pheasant, goose versus duck likely.” BANG! He, too, bags himself a duck.

A third flock of birds then flies overhead and the surgeon steps up and raises his gun at the flock. BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! He fires multiple rounds at the flock and dead birds are dropping all around. The surgeon lowers his gun, walks over to one of the dead birds, picks it up, hands it to the pathologist and says, “Tell me if this is a duck.”