Xanthippa's Chamberpot

Shamelessly lifted from reddit:

An Irishman goes to a building site for his first day of work, and a couple of Englishmen think, “Ah, we’ll have some fun with him!”

So they walk up and say, “Hey, Paddy, as you’re new here make sure you know a joist from a girder…”

“Ah, sure, I knows” says Paddy, “twas Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust.”

Lifted shamelessly from reddit:

Seated in a rather nice Boston restaurant, a rather elderly lady asked about the catch of the day. After the waiter told her what was being served, she remarked, as little old ladies are sometimes wont to do, “Oh, dear, I really wished I could have gotten scrod.”

The waiter, himself a Harvard man, replied with delight, “Madam, although your request is not an uncommon one, not only have I not before heard it made by a lady but also so exquisitely stated in the future conditional pluperfect subjunctive.”

Copied shamelessly from reddit (and, as it is Sunday, I though a religious theme might be nice):

Eris, Loki and Kali walk into a bar.

The waitperson comes over and says, “Order Please!”

Shamelessly lifted from reddit:

Two drunks go to the zoo.

They stop at the lion’s cage.

The lion comes close to the bars and roars.

The first drunk says nervously,”Let’s get out of here”.

The second drunk says,”You go, I’ll wait for the movie.”

Shamelessly lifted from reddit:

A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist all go to the beach for their first time.

The physicists marvels at the waves, and wants to study the fluid dynamics. So he walks into the ocean to study them more closely, and obviously drowns.

The biologist wants to study the flora and fauna of the ocean, so he walks into the ocean as well and obviously drowns.

The chemist pulls out a notebook, and writes, “Both the physicist and biologist were soluble in water.”

Shamelessly lifted from reddit:

Shamelessly lifted from reddit:

A molecular biologist decides to take a vacation in New Zealand. As he’s driving around admiring the scenery, he takes in a lovely vista of a shepherd on a hill with his flock of sheep. It occurs to him how quaint it would be to have a sheep grazing in his own backyard.

So, he pulls over, introduces himself to the shepherd, makes small talk for a while, and finally asks, “If I guess how many sheep are in your herd, can I have one?” There are hundreds of sheep milling about randomly, apparently impossible to count, so the shepherd says, “Sure.”

The molecular biologist glances about briefly before saying, “713.”

The shepherd, stunned, asks how the molecular biologist could possibly get that number right, and he says, “In my profession, I have to glean complex patterns from apparent chaos all the time. Child’s play.” Then he runs off to claim his prize.

But as he’s carrying it back to the car, the shepherd shouts after him, “If I guess your profession, can I have my animal back?” “Sure,” says the molecular biologist. The shepherd says, “I bet you’re a molecular biologist.”

Now it’s the molecular biologist’s turn to be stunned.

“How in the world did you know?”

“I’ll tell you in a minute. First, give me back my dog.”

Shamelessly lifted from reddit:

Shamelessly lifted from reddit:

Franz was a young man and not very happy with his poor life in poverty. Once a tiny little fairy appeared to him and said: “You’re struggeling and not enjoying your life in actuality? Name three wishes of yours and they should become reality!”

Therefore Franz was excited, well, he didn’t actually believe in fairies: “Nothing to lose, why not give it a try?”, he though.

“I want to be a prince”, he wished, the fairy waved her magic wand and – poof – Franz had becoma a Prince, dressed in a white waistcoat buttoned at the side.

“Wow that actually works!” he yelled at the fairy which replied confident: “of course it does”.

“Well as for my second wish”, Franz continued, “I want to live in a palace; nothing less deserves a prince.” Again the fairy waved her magic wand and – poof – the last word of Franz’s sentence echoed from the walls of the wide castles halls in which they suddenly stood.

Franz was stunned and nearly couldn’t await his third wish: “I want a beatuifull duchess as my wife. Then my life is glamurous and perfect” The fairy waved her magic wand for the third time and – poof – nothing visually appeared but a voice shouted from the castles bathroom:

“Franz, are you fooling arounda gain? Go hurry or we’re late for Sarajevo.”