Shamelessly lifted from reddit:
What’s the integral of one over cabin?
Log cabin! (…plus C)
And since that one was so short, here’s another one:
A carbon-11 atom walks in to a bar, stares at the bartender for about 10 minutes, then orders a double whisky and instantly starts sobbing.
“What’s the problem, buddy?” the bartender asks as he delivers the drink.
The carbon-11 atom responds “I’m having a half-life crisis.”
Shamelessly lifted from reddit:
A molecular biologist decides to take a vacation in New Zealand. As he’s driving around admiring the scenery, he takes in a lovely vista of a shepherd on a hill with his flock of sheep. It occurs to him how quaint it would be to have a sheep grazing in his own backyard.
So, he pulls over, introduces himself to the shepherd, makes small talk for a while, and finally asks, “If I guess how many sheep are in your herd, can I have one?” There are hundreds of sheep milling about randomly, apparently impossible to count, so the shepherd says, “Sure.”
The molecular biologist glances about briefly before saying, “713.”
The shepherd, stunned, asks how the molecular biologist could possibly get that number right, and he says, “In my profession, I have to glean complex patterns from apparent chaos all the time. Child’s play.” Then he runs off to claim his prize.
But as he’s carrying it back to the car, the shepherd shouts after him, “If I guess your profession, can I have my animal back?” “Sure,” says the molecular biologist. The shepherd says, “I bet you’re a molecular biologist.”
Now it’s the molecular biologist’s turn to be stunned.
“How in the world did you know?”
“I’ll tell you in a minute. First, give me back my dog.”
Shamelessly lifted from reddit:
Many vegetables walk into a bar. The bar tender asks; ‘which of you lot can prove to be the cleverest?’
The Sweet Potato exclaims, ‘I think therefore Yam!’
The yam then refutes the sweet potatoes claim saying; “Although yams and sweet potatoes are both angiosperms (flowering plants), they are not related botanically. Yams are a monocot (a plant having one embryonic seed leaf) and from the Dioscoreaceae or Yam family. Sweet Potatoes, often called ‘yams’, are a dicot (a plant having two embryonic seed leaves) and are from the Convolvulacea or morning glory family.”
So the Sweet Potato says, ‘You googled that from, (http://www.loc.gov/rr/scitech/mysteries/sweetpotato.html) You idicot!”
Shamelessly lifted from reddit:
Franz was a young man and not very happy with his poor life in poverty. Once a tiny little fairy appeared to him and said: “You’re struggeling and not enjoying your life in actuality? Name three wishes of yours and they should become reality!”
Therefore Franz was excited, well, he didn’t actually believe in fairies: “Nothing to lose, why not give it a try?”, he though.
“I want to be a prince”, he wished, the fairy waved her magic wand and – poof – Franz had becoma a Prince, dressed in a white waistcoat buttoned at the side.
“Wow that actually works!” he yelled at the fairy which replied confident: “of course it does”.
“Well as for my second wish”, Franz continued, “I want to live in a palace; nothing less deserves a prince.” Again the fairy waved her magic wand and – poof – the last word of Franz’s sentence echoed from the walls of the wide castles halls in which they suddenly stood.
Franz was stunned and nearly couldn’t await his third wish: “I want a beatuifull duchess as my wife. Then my life is glamurous and perfect” The fairy waved her magic wand for the third time and – poof – nothing visually appeared but a voice shouted from the castles bathroom:
“Franz, are you fooling arounda gain? Go hurry or we’re late for Sarajevo.”
Shamelessly lifted from reddit:
Ceasar, Crassus, and Pompey walk into a bar. They find a nice, corner table while Crassus offers to get some drinks.
As Crassus waits at the bar, chatting up some local ladies, Caesar and Pompey begin talking amongst themselves.
“I just don’t get it, Pompey!” Caesar begins, “With his great wealth, Crassus could have any woman he wants! But there he goes again, flirting with some wretched looking, old bar-flies!”
“Caesar, Caesar” Pompey whispers, “be easy, you know old Crassus hasn’t got any standards!”
Shamelessly lifted from reddit:
A physicist, mathematician and an accountant walk into a bar and the barman asks for the answer to 2+2.
The physicist creates a hypothesis and undergoes a series of experiments and screams that the answer is 4!
The mathematician went through a whole box of chalk to produce a 16 page proof report and yells that the answer is 4!
The accountant sneaks up to the barman and whispers “what do you want it to be?”
Shamelessly lifted from reddit:
A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting outside of a bar when two men walk into the house across the road…
Ten minutes later, three men walk out.
The physicist looks confused and says “There must an error in the measurements.”
The biologist retorts “No, they must have reproduced!”
To which the mathematician says “If one person goes inside, the house will be empty.”
An oldie, but a goodie:
An optimist will say that a glass is half full.
A pessimist will say that the glass is half empty.
An engineer will say that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
The physicist will point out to them that they are all wrong, because the glass is quite full: half with liquid, half with air!
And why not pick on engineers a bit:
Three professionals, a mathematician, a physicist and an engineer, took their final test for the job. The sole question in the exam was “how much is one plus one”.
The math dude asked the receptionist for a ream of paper, two hours later, he said: I have proven its a natural number
The physicist, after checking parallax error and quantum tables said: its between 1.9999999999, and 2.0000000001
The engineer quickly said: oh! its easy! its two,…. no, better make it three, just to be safe.
And a bit more:
During the French revolution a priest, a drunk and an engineer are sent to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, “Hey, I see what your problem is …”
Shamelessly lifted from reddit:
Two roommates work in a laboratory outside of Hamilton, Ontario. Steve, a regular fellow, and Gork, a literal caveman. He puts on a button-down shirt and tie every day in an attempt to fit in, but he just can’t stop being a knuckle-dragging caveman (albeit in a lab coat).
After several years of working there, some of Gork’s coworkers are talking during a coffee break. “Gork strikes me as really weird,” said one man, “He’s been here at the lab for like 6 years, and he never really developed any manners. I figured he would be civilized by now.”
Another coworker takes a sip of his coffee, thinks for a minute, and says, “Well, I suppose you really can’t expect him to evolve. He commutes with the Hamiltonian.”
And talking about commuting:
Heisenberg and Shrodinger are commuting to work together, when they get pulled over for speeding. The police officer walks up to the driver’s window and accusingly says to Heisenberg: “You were going 140 km/h!”
Heisenberg throws his hands up in disgust and exclaims: “Great! Now I’m lost!”
The cop finds this a suspicious answer, so he walks around to the other side, peering into the back seat along the way. When he gets to Shrodinger’s window, he asks him: “Did you know that there is a dead cat in the back seat?”
Schrodinger answers: “Now I do!”
I can’t resist a few one-liners:
– How many moles are there in guacamole? Avocado’s number!
– A bar walks up to a physicist. Hey, wait – that’s the wrong frame of reference!
– And then, a dyslexic walks into a bra…
– What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? A beer.
– There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.
– How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
Shamelessly lifted from reddit:
Forty days pass, the flood recedes, and Noah and his family are settling in. Noah’s wife notices that all the animals are starting to reproduce, except for a pair of snakes. She asks Noah about it, and he says he’ll take care of it.
A week later, Noah brings his wife out to the workshop, and shows her the snakes in their basket on top of the picnic table he just built.
“How is this going to get them to reproduce?” she asks.
“Trust me,” he replies.
A few days after that, she notices there are eggs in the basket. She is delighted, and asks Noah how the picnic table could have possibly helped.
He says, “My dear, even adders can multiply on a log table.”
While on the topic of geeky math jokes:
There’s this calculus party, and all the functions are invited.
ln(x) is talking to some trig functions, when he sees his friend ex sulking in a corner.
ln(x): “What’s wrong ex?”
ex: “I’m so lonely!”
ln(x): “Well, you should go integrate yourself into the crowd!”
ex looks up and cries, “It won’t make a difference!”
Shamelessly lifted from reddit:
A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer stay in a hotel.
The engineer is awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed.
Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees the fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as distance to the fire and projected trajectory, he extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid.
At last, the mathematician awakes, only again to find a fire in the hallway. He instantly sees the extinguisher and thinks, “A solution exists!”, and heads back into his room.
A variation on a theme:
A group of mathematicians are at a team building seminar. When during the night a fire breaks out in one of the mathematicians room’s. He quickly tears pages out of his notebook lighting them on fire one by one. He then runs down the hall sliding sheets of burning paper under other mathematician’s doors.
After the building burns to the ground the fire marshal asks the mathematicians how the fire spread so fast.
He responds. “I thought distributing the problem would lead to finding a solution faster.”
Xanthippa's Chamberpot 